Entertainment
Like Colton Underwood, it took me a long time to come out – it’s never easy
‘I would have rather died than say I’m gay.’
Colton Underwood’s statement as he came out as a gay man yesterday may be alarming, but even in 2021 is all too common.
The former professional footballer first found fame in the United States as a contestant on the 14th season of The Bachelorette, where, beside a squad of gents deemed to be America’s ideal of a dream man he competed for the affections of an American sweetheart, Becca Kufrin.
While Becca dumped Colton, Bachelor Nation – as the fandom and its cast has collectively become known – was sold.
Later that year, he was announced as the next Bachelor – basically the equivalent of being a minor royal here in the UK.
And it’s no wonder – his story had all the makings of a Bachelor. A dashing semi-professional sports star who kept his virginity, abstaining because of his faith.
However, time and time again, speculation kept circling around his sexuality. In 2020, Colton opened up about being bullied at high school when rumours he was gay began.
‘It was one of those things where you hear something so often, you start believing it,’ he told People. ‘I thought, maybe I am gay. The captain of the football team should be having sex and drinking, right? But I wasn’t.’
Little over a year later, Colton stopped running away from his truth and will forever live the rest of his life as a free(er) gay man.
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After going from the football pitch – often an area notoriously plagued with toxic masculinity – to The Bachelor – easily the biggest champion of conservative, Christian values in reality TV – it’s not totally unsurprising to hear Colton took longer than others to accept himself.
Times have certainly changed. Colton’s story was the dominating narrative throughout my childhood – popstars, actors, and politicians terrified of coming out as gay, frequently as a result of alleged blackmail from the press.
There wasn’t a safe space to be young and queer, and while there is without a doubt a more celebratory reception when anyone – famous or not – decides to come out now, it doesn’t make the ride from being a closeted gay man to an open one any easier.
After spending the last 15 years considering myself an openly gay man, last October I came out to my family.
Friends, colleagues and basically anyone who wasn’t a blood relative not only knew, it never needed an explanation – and nor was I willing to give it.
On the surface, I was loud, confident and very much a gay man. I thought I was proud, I thought I was happy and I thought I was out.
I was none of the above.
When I was around 14 during a family holiday, a documentary about transsexuals played in the background, none of us paying particular attention. My sister, however, who no doubt knew I was gay long before I did, asked my dad how he would feel if I was trans.
‘I’ll love Adam no matter what,’ he said, or something along those lines.
That was the greatest gift I ever received from my sister – validation. I knew I could be whoever I wanted to be and my family would support me however I identified.
Regardless, it took me almost 20 years before I ever told them I was gay and my sister died the following year, and now I’ll never have that conversation with her.
There’s a common misconception that being LGBTQI+ is a much easier ride in 2021, and for many that’s true.
After spending the last 15 years considering myself an openly gay man, last October I came out to my family
Stories of young teenagers coming out as LGBTQI+ in school and being accepted by their classmates are becoming more frequent – thank god.
When I was in school 15 years ago it would have been unimaginable to come out to bloodthirsty peers; the fear for my safety was not only very real it was totally justified.
The space might be safer, but ultimately gay men harbour so much guilt and shame that no matter what space surrounds them, no matter how supportive and loving their family might be, being a homosexual in a straight man’s world is daunting to the point that, like Colton, many of us would rather die than say the words ‘I’m gay’.
Every day, I am both in awe of the next generation of LGBTQ+ people coming through, and moved by the courage and wisdom so few of my generation could even comprehend. They deserve it; we all deserve it.
But Colton’s statement is a reminder that while the LGBTQ+ community is making strides few of us thought we’d see in our lifetime, let alone so soon, there are many more of us still desperately in denial, still hoping we can marry that American sweetheart and life might not be honest, but perhaps it will be OK.
At the very least, it could be bearable.
Since coming out to my family, I realised how heavy the weight of keeping that secret really was. In hindsight, it was totally unsustainable and eventually it caught up with me.
To everyone in my life who knows me, I can’t imagine they would have ever suspected I still felt ashamed about my sexuality but watching Colton let that weight go, I recognised that same relief.
It’s crucial that Colton’s bravery is commended and celebrated as the monumental moment that it is – and far too often the discourse surrounding LGBTQ+ people comes with a tone of tragedy. This is a moment of joy and that’s exactly how it should be spoken about.
It’s a common myth that being LGBTQ+ is an easy journey today, that the foundations have been laid so we can hit puberty and be whoever we want to be.
But no matter how far we’ve come, no matter how safe that space might be, Colton has proven that leap is still so hard, and in many cases even impossible.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
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