It’s easy to be snobby about cheesy Christmas rom-coms – but give them a chance

A quick glance at what’s coming up in 2021 tells me we’re in for a truly bounteous season (Picture: Netflix)

The clocks have gone back, the John Lewis ad is out, Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You has begun its annual sprint up the charts… So it’s officially official: the holidays are coming.

For me, that means indulging in what is rapidly becoming my favourite thing about this time of year: gloriously naff Christmas movies.

While you lot are off catching up with Succession or rushing to see a balls-to-the-wall blockbuster at the cinema, I’ll be perusing the made-for-TV festive offerings, and letting myself be swept away in the exploits of impossibly beautiful characters with easily defeated obstacles.

Will anything this year top the truly extraordinary Dolly Parton and Christine Baranski musical Christmas On The Square? Will we get anything as joyfully gay as 2020’s The Christmas Setup? How many different roles will Vanessa Hudgens play in the newest Princess Switch sequel? 

A quick glance at what’s coming up in 2021 tells me we’re in for a truly bounteous season. The genre’s in its prime, and the rise of streaming has only fuelled it further.

According to Entertainment Weekly, Hallmark, Lifetime, Netflix and others will collectively be responsible for as many as 143 (ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY THREE!) new Christmas films over the coming weeks; including Christmas In Harmony with Destiny’s Child’s Michelle Williams, Brooke Shields A Castle For Christmas (in which, I can only assume, she gets a castle for Christmas), and – most excitingly – Single All The Way; a gay romcom co-starring Jennifer Coolidge in lots and lots of leopard print.

I used to frown on these films. When my mum would put on one of the dedicated 24/7 Christmas movie channels in mid-October (turn to Freeview 51 right now, folks), I’d be like, ‘pah! Could never be me! I have too many prestige dramas and Oscar-bait biopics to get through!’

But now, I’m all in. As life gets more stressful and the world gets more exhausting, I just want those saccharine plots hooked to my veins.

Give me the twists and punchlines you can see coming from a mile off! Thrill me with the sight of thick, dandruff-like snow falling over mandatory happy endings! Delight me one year later with a sequel I absolutely did not, and yet also did, need!

Needless to say, I’ve started already: it’s barely mid-November but Netflix has fired out of the gate with two utterly exquisite offerings, and I’ve seen both.

Kelsey Grammer, Elizabeth Hurley, Caroline Quentin and John Cleese star in Father Christmas is Back (Picture: Netflix)

Already sitting in the streamer’s Top 10 most-viewed rankings are Love Hard, in which Nina Dobrev finds she’s been duped by a catfish posing as the obscenely hot guy from Never Have I Ever; and Father Christmas Is Back, in which four posh siblings including Elizabeth Hurley are reunited with their estranged dad.

I got exactly what I needed each time: knowingly hammy performances, soured relationships working themselves out, bawdy supporting characters, crises being miraculously resolved in time for December 25… In the latter, I even got Caroline Quentin repeatedly seducing John Cleese.

In fact, in Father Christmas Is Back you also get my absolute favourite seasonal movie trope: the sneaking suspicion that the writers and/or producers started with the title and worked backwards. In this case, the family surname is actually Christmas; meaning Kelsey Grammer’s paternal character is quite literally – you guessed it – Father Christmas.

(My previous favourite example of this was in another Netflix gem, The Knight Before Christmas; about a medieval knight who accidentally time-travels to the present day and bonds with – who else – Vanessa Hudgens.)

Of course, it’s very easy to be snobby about these movies. The budgets aren’t exactly sky-high, the characters are often exceptionally privileged and/or beautiful, and the storylines will surprise and challenge you in precisely zero ways.

It’s not that all of their storytelling sins should be forgiven: in Love Hard, for example, it takes a sleigh-load of goodwill to accept the catfish as a romantic lead we’re supposed to root for.

But generally speaking, the cheesy, heightened escapism we get from these films is – especially in These Trying Times™ – just what’s needed when the weather turns miserable and the daylight starts to vanish.

More: Netflix

No-one’s pretending they’re awards-worthy masterpieces. Comparing them to, say, Spencer and Dune would be like comparing your local panto to a gritty West End play – they’re working to completely different briefs and serving completely different purposes.

They’re great when watched with friends, they’re great when watched alone… and always best enjoyed with a trough of mulled wine.

I’ve added ‘write a Christmas rom-com’ to my career bucket list, and if any producers are reading this, I’ll happily work for a few mince pies and a couple of set visits.

Now, though, there are still six and a half weeks left until Christmas, and over 140 of these films to get through. So if you’ll excuse me, I have some viewing to be getting on with…

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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