Entertainment
Don’t worry Molly-Mae, my husband often ‘forgot’ I was pregnant too – it doesn’t mean Tommy Fury won’t be a good dad-Jen Barton Packer-Entertainment – Metro
Molly-Mae revealed that Tommy has to often be ‘reminded’ that she’s ‘two months away from having a child’.
Molly-Mae revealed that Tommy has to often be ‘reminded’ that she’s ‘two months away from having a child’ (Picture: @mollymae/Instagram)
There’s a saying that you become a mother as soon as you find out you’re pregnant.
Whereas, for dads, it takes a little longer.
It couldn’t have been more true for me and my husband – just as Molly-Mae Hague has discovered.
I was 27 when I fell pregnant with my first daughter in 2010. I was nervous, but excited – even though this was totally not the plan.
I knew the child’s father was my soulmate – we’d recently got engaged, but had to postpone the wedding once we learned I was pregnant. We’d been close friends for years since we’d met at university, and were deeply in love.
Still, that didn’t stop me from spending most of my pregnancy thinking I could probably write a memoir called ‘Reasons Not to Have Children With a 25-Year-Old’. The inspiration? My fiancé, Will.
Men in their mid-twenties can be immature. Selfish. They act like they’re still at university, especially once they get into a room with all their friends. They’re not great (read: terrible) at anticipating the needs of a pregnant person. Or communicating their own.
Jen and Will during her first pregnancy (Picture: Jen Barton Packer)
Molly-Mae lamented that her relationship was taking place mostly over FaceTime (Picture: Karwai Tang/WireImage)
Plus, my particular 25-year-old just wanted to play cricket all the time and couldn’t understand why I didn’t always want to spend my weekends watching him.
So when 23-year-old Love Island star Molly-Mae Hague (who is seven months pregnant) said that her boyfriend and boxer, Tommy Fury, ‘sometimes forgets’ she’s pregnant, I totally related.
In an video clip for a boxing publication, Molly-Mae told the presenter that her baby’s 23-year-old father has to often be ‘reminded’ that she’s ‘two months away from having a child’. That she didn’t have the ‘perfect pregnancy’ as he’s away so much – lamenting that their relationship was taking place mostly over FaceTime.
Hearing her in that video took me back in time to my first pregnancy, reminding me how isolated and lonely I felt at various points – and the father-to-be was in the same city as me the whole time.
When I found out I was pregnant, it was a shock for both of us (Picture: Jen Barton Packer)
He worked non-stop (not his fault, and frankly, the only reason we were able to manage financially was because I had just finished my master’s degree and didn’t have a job yet) so I was alone a lot of the time. I had friends in London but felt distant from them because I realised how different our lives had become.
When Will wasn’t working, he wanted to make the most of his downtime: going out, seeing our friends. He couldn’t understand how I’d transformed so suddenly (both emotionally and physically), into someone who struggled to leave the house.
It’s why I do think Tommy’s age has a lot to do with his behaviour – I’m certain age had a lot to do with Will’s more distant moments when I was pregnant, too.
When I found out I was pregnant, it was a shock for both of us. I’d moved from my native New York and was still on a student visa. I’d lost my mother to suicide a few years prior and had no other family members at that point, or even a childhood home to take refuge in.
I wanted him to feel every pregnancy sensation, niggle and symptom impacting my body and brain at all times (Picture: Jen Barton Packer)
Will had to shoulder a lot of responsibility as our main source of financial stability, and worked crazy hours as a junior banker, while also being my partner and, sort-of, my parents, too.
From vomiting incessantly in the first trimester, to nearly fainting on a weekly basis from low blood sugar, I went from being an energetic and happy-go-lucky 20-something to a sofa-dwelling goblin.
Will was suddenly required to look after my physical, as well as emotional, health.
But, at the time, I was wildly resentful that he wanted to hang on to some semblance of his normal life – perhaps even, like Tommy Fury, occasionally ‘forgetting’ about what was to come.
Will wasn’t doing anything particularly bad, but I was frustrated at the growing gulf between us. I wanted him to feel every pregnancy sensation, niggle and symptom impacting my body and brain at all times.
I’d pick fights when I was at my most emotional, which only made things worse. I don’t think either one of us ever said what we were really thinking for most of those nine months to each other: ‘I’m terrified.’
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Though I was consumed with how selfless I thought I was during pregnancy – like not eating my beloved gorgonzola in case it harmed my unborn child, forcing myself to swim to keep fit – I was, mostly, thinking of myself.
I was so busy worrying about how pregnancy and motherhood would impact me, that I didn’t stop to think about Will. How he might feel scared, unsure and clueless. Just as isolated as me.
None of Will’s friends could relate to his situation – most were single – and his older brothers didn’t have kids. He probably felt his only option was to ‘get on with it’, and I wish we’d both talked about it more back then.
One of the issues though was how little we were supposed to say about it all. How the many conflicting feelings experienced by parents-to-be – the excitement and terror, selflessness and selfishness, desire and denial – needed to be filtered into one, acceptable reaction: pure joy.
I remember feeling that revealing I was scared, nervous and lonely was an admission I had failed as a parent – and I hadn’t even become one yet.
While I haven’t always agreed with Molly-Mae’s choices, I do admire her candour by opening up about those feelings of isolation, loneliness and stress during pregnancy. Her honesty about her frustrations with her partner are especially refreshing and I’m sure many can relate.
Will and their firstborn (Picture: Jen Barton Packer)
‘We are never together,’ she says in the clip. ‘People have these dream pregnancies where it’s like they’re always with their husbands, doing baby shopping and cute things. Tommy and I literally communicate through FaceTime.’
Let me fill you in on a secret, Molly-Mae: no dads-to-be truly ever enjoy baby shopping. Those ‘dream pregnancies’ you’re fantasising about aren’t real. They’re not reality, but curated and staged moments designed to make most of us feel inadequate.
I don’t presume to know what kind of person Tommy Fury is, or what kind of a dad he’ll be, but I’d wager he’s on his own emotional journey. A journey that involves being overly focused on work and coming to terms with how to look after a child.
It’s unfortunate that he’s not in sync with his pregnant partner right now, but I don’t think it necessarily means anything sinister for the relationship, or his parenting abilities. It just takes time to grow up.
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Will and I celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary this month and now have four kids, but we’re still learning how to parent. It’s a constantly evolving process that takes a lot more work than either of us expected, but it’s also a thrilling adventure.
I don’t think he’ll ever completely understand what my experience has been like – including the loneliness and isolation of certain points in this parenting journey. The jealousy I feel towards him because he can slip in and out of his pre-fatherhood life in a way I never could.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to comprehend his experience of trying to hang onto the last vestiges of youth, while feeling the pressure of adult responsibilities.
But I can appreciate the devoted dad he’s become, the one he’s been from that first moment our eldest baby daughter was born.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
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