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Chris Kamara reveals suicidal thoughts over devastating health condition-Meghna Amin-Entertainment – Metro
‘There were times when I definitely thought that was a way out.’
Chris Kamara has opened up about mental health struggles after his apraxia diagnosis (Picture: Ken McKay/ITV/Shutterstock)
Chris Kamara has revealed he suffered from suicidal thoughts after being diagnosed with apraxia.
The broadcaster revealed last year that he had developed the neurological condition, which leaves those diagnosed struggling with certain motor movements and can often affect speech, as in Chris’ case.
Since quitting his job on Sky Sport’s Soccer Saturday after 24 years in April 2022, the former footballer has dedicated a lot of his attention to trying to inform people about not only what he has been dealing with, but how the condition affects others.
After raising awareness in a recent ITV documentary, Chris, 65, has now spoken about his lowest point, as revealed in an extract of his new book, Kammy: My Unbelievable Life.
He says, according to The Mirror: ‘I’m going to admit something now, something I’ve never mentioned before. It’s hard for me to talk about, so bear with me.
‘As I was gripped by apraxia, and the apparent hopelessness of my future, I’d been escaping more and more down to the animals at the back of the house. Hidden away, that smallholding became my refuge.’
Chris revealed last year he had developed the neurological condition (Picture: Karwai Tang/WireImage)
What is apraxia of speech?
Apraxia is an effect of a neurological disorder, which causes difficulty in carrying out planned movements, including speech.
According to the NHS, apraxia of speech is thought to be caused by a problem in the brain area responsible for planning those movements which leads to the muscles being unable to work properly when a person tries to speak.
The symptoms of apraxia of speech vary according to the severity of the disorder.
Chris goes on to say that animals who ‘don’t judge’ and show ‘unconditional love’ would become a safe space for him to talk.
‘I’d let all my innermost feelings tumble out. I didn’t need to worry about them noticing my slowed speech or my compromised stability.
‘It seems silly to say they “listened”, but in those moments that’s how it felt.
‘Going down there allowed me to unravel my thoughts. And I’ll be honest, some of those thoughts could be dark. I worried about where I was going to end up.
‘Would my physical and neurological deterioration just keep going and going? And I worried more about the effect it would have on those around me.’
Chris spoke about his struggles during dark times (Picture: John Rainford/Getty Images)
Chris goes on to say he could only see himself ‘as a burden’ and felt like ‘a shell of the man I used to be that they would be left to look after’.
‘Seeing myself like that was like staring into an abyss. I could never reconcile that image in my head. It was unthinkable.
‘And it’s at that point I’d think, “They’d be better off without me.”‘
In the extract, the publication notes, Chris thought of Gary Speed, who died by suicide and was found dead at his home on the morning of November 27, 2011.
Chris says: ‘I thought of Gary Speed and then I thought of my own position – a man in his mid-sixties, whose best days, because of a brain condition, were gone, struggling on while becoming a weight on all around him.’
Chris thought of Gary Speed, who died by suicide aged 42 (Picture: PA)
Not wanting to be a ‘burden’ on his wife or children, Chris says he thought about taking himself ‘out of the picture’.
He continues: ‘There were times when I definitely thought that was a way out. If you’re stuck in a maze, with no sign of an escape route, eventually you’ll try something extreme. Especially if you have chosen to wander that maze alone.
‘And that really is the key. When finally I did start to share my problems, I began to see that the future might not be so bleak. That a world could exist with me in it. Hopefully a me who was better, but nevertheless a version of me who I could live with.’
Looking back on the ‘dark times’ is ‘hard’ for Chris, he admits, but hopes speaking out about it and ‘being honest’ can help others going through similar struggles.
‘There is always hope. You just have to let other people help you see it.’
Last year, Chris spoke to Metro.co.uk on the red carpet at the Pride of Britain Awards and said that raising awareness was especially important because of the barriers to treatment.
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‘People who are suffering can’t get the proper help because it’s not available on the NHS. To get help you need to go private,’ he said.
‘So it’s really important to raise awareness about this,’ he added.
He also said that having the government provide more support would be paramount.
‘It would be nice for families who have got youngsters, who can’t actually speak at all to be helped.’
KAMMY: My Unbelievable Life by Chris Kamara is published by Macmillan on November 9
Need support?
For emotional support you can call the Samaritans 24-hour helpline on 116 123, email jo@samaritans.org, visit a Samaritans branch in person or go to the Samaritans website.
If you’re a young person, or concerned about a young person, you can also contact PAPYRUS Prevention of Young Suicide UK. Their HOPELINK digital support platform is open 24/7, or you can call 0800 068 4141, text 07860039967 or email: pat@papyrus-uk.org between the hours of 9am and midnight.
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